


The Corner of Your Smile

by TrashyNovelist



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Falling In Love, Family Dynamics, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Recovery, Slow Burn, Traveling, Trigger Warnings, asahi and nishinoya are stupid and in love, asahi is a painter, fated encounters, learning to love again, mentions of attempted suicide and death, minor daisuga, minor original character death, noya has a mid life crisis, noya was in an abusive relationship, so does asahi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26945344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashyNovelist/pseuds/TrashyNovelist
Summary: when a catalyst of a woman breaks down Nishinoya's spirit of his previously romanticized idea of love, Noya turns a blind eye to the happy kid he used to be, and finds himself in a hopeless situation where he just wants to be seen as strong. Who just wants to fall hopelessly in love with someone's existence but is hesitant after what he's been through.Only when a chance meeting at a cemetery on an early December afternoon introduces the first replenishing sense of belonging into Noyas life, does he learn what strength means to him and what it takes to live rather than be alive.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	The Corner of Your Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Before we get started- i have another asanoya fic completed called sweet disposition that is mostly canon compliant, so if you think you may like my writing style go check it out, its ny first asanoya fic and my pride and joy:) 
> 
> now, here i go again, writing asahi and noya falling in love all over again because there's a reason their names correspond with each other, and why their birthdays are inverse. they are soulmates and there aren't enough fics of them:)  
> this is my new project and i will hopefully be updating consistently, also sorry for any off characterization, i'm still learning how to write these characters to their fullest potential. i'm also going to let you know that some of this book is going to be very heavy and discuss the topics of manipulative and abusive relationships and how damaging it can be, i'm so sorry to anyone in a position where you're unable to escape or get away, and know that there is help out there for you. 
> 
> i've also added in minor character death but they're just family members used in the sense to drive the story forward and give noya and asahi both a little more depth. This is also an alternate universe where noya and asahi didn't go to the same high school. I think that covers it, please give feedback and correct any of my mistakes, see you on the other side:)

Nishinoya was 10 when he had his first girlfriend. She was a pretty little blonde girl, moved from America into his class, and knew two languages. She’d been a smart girl, and had this pink ribbon she wore when she was thinking real hard, she tied it around her wrist when she wasn't using it. Her name was Delilah, and she'd found Nishinoya at lunch sitting alone and hugging his volleyball while he stared out the window. 

She'd smiled this infatuating smile and It'd managed to draw Noya's eyes from the world outside to where she stood by his desk in their dreary classroom,and suddenly the fluorescent headache inducing lights became a lot more sufferable. She'd held out her hand and said something in English. Noya had slowly tried to comprehend what she was saying, but he resisted the greeting and shook his head, and then she'd pointed at the volleyball and asked, "do you play too?"

Delilah had been his first kiss, his first girlfriend, his first best friend. She'd laugh at Nishinoya's jokes, she'd hold his hand and they'd talk about volleyball and their favorite movies and anything else the kids could possibly care about. She tied her pink ribbon around Noya's wrist and he never took it off. She told him how her parents went out a lot and sometimes didn't come back for days at a time, how she lived with her grandma because of it. Noya told her about how his dad used to hit his mom before he went away for a long time too. 

Nishinoya was 13 when he lost his first girlfriend. They'd gone to different middle schools, and before Noya could see her again, he showed up at her address, and when he asked for Delilah, a kind old lady with sorrowful eyes and blonde hair to match her granddaughters regarded Noya with a sad look full of everything heavier than grief and simply said, "Delilah and her parents passed away a few weeks ago, A driving accident," 

Nishinoya was 15 when he had his first crush on a boy. A tall dark haired Korean boy he was partnered up with for a project. The boy had kissed him one night when they'd been studying under a Sakura tree in the park. He'd been Noya's first boyfriend. But then in an act of unlucky circumstances, He moved away, transferred out of school the moment word got around about how Nishinoya and his friend weren't just friends. 

Noya ended up transferring too.

Then he met a pretty manager at his new highschool; he also met his best friend. 

Nishinoya and his mother found a home in Miyagi, Noya found solace, he found Ryuunosuke Tanaka and his family. 

And when he'd show up at the Tanaka's door step on the night's his mom wasn't home to make him dinner, they'd always let him in. They fed him, they loved him like their own. 

And then they became his family the day his mother passed away.

And here he was years and years later, right back on their doormat, knocking quietly with weak hands and a broken heart, with two black eyes and whatever he has left to his name shoved into a ratty leather bound suitcase. He seemed to lose a lot.

It's early December and Nishinoya was cold. 

But when the door to the Tanaka's opened, the warmth flooded from inside where Christmas lights glowed and the smell of a cooked dinner filled the air around him. His heart ached and hollowed out his chest. It'd been so long.

"Yuu?" The short statured lady with graying hair had whispered when her eyes settled on Nishinoya, Her hand moved to cover her opened mouth, a gasp escaping from the woman. 

Noya has been on his own for so long. He didn't want to ask for more when this woman and her husband had given him so much already.

He thought he'd been strong enough to survive on his own: his mom had told him he was strong. That strength was fending for yourself. 

His dad had told him strength was found in muscle mass and power. Noya doesn't consider his father strong at all. His father was a coward.

Noya sighs softly, aching from the cold and the weight of what seems to be the world, he's so cold. It feels below zero and he doesn't have a coat. 

"Hi Mrs.Tanaka," it comes out so tired, but so relieved.

"Oh Yuu," she lets him collapse into her arms, hugging tightly to the boy she's called her second son for so long, who she hadn't heard from in months. Who looked worn for wear. 

"What happened to you," she hugged him to her tightly, and the warmth of her arms around him was enough to elicit the most relieved and broken sigh he's ever made. 

"I've had a tough few months," he mutters into her shoulder.

"Oh honey, Why didn't you come home sooner, it's been so long,"

"I didn't want you to worry,"

The woman pulls back, hands reaching to touch Nishinoya's face, the purple and yellow bruising of the area between the bridge of his nose and his eyes, where it darkens under his gaze and he looks both tired and beaten. "You don’t want me to worry? So you decided to show up at my door like this? Without a coat either?"

"I didn't know where else to go," Noya says quietly. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He wanted more than this for himself. He wanted to grin and walk inside with his arms wide open and hug the lady who cared for him, he wanted to bring home presents and see his best friend and go roller skating down the sidewalk or play volleyball with him like in highschool. 

He didn't want this. This defeated version of himself sulking in this lady's arms because he's almost given up. If it weren't for the voice belonging to his mom telling him silently not to be a coward like his dad, He might have just given it all away completely.

Oh how low you must get to want to end it. 

"Come on son," Mrs. Tanaka whispers softly and pulls him inside the rest of the way into the warmth of the home, out of the cold biting air into a hallway where music can be heard coming from the living room Where the light of rainbow Christmas lights wrap around the walls and the glow of the fire in the fireplace illuminates the room and warms it up. It's so painfully familiar and Noya thinks he might lose his slight composure if he doesn't focus hard enough.

How easy it'd be to break down. But Noya's strength is fighting hard to be okay. He doesn't cry. 

"Mom who's here-" 

Noya's being gently led to the sofa when his best friend clambers down the stairs in bright green grinch pajama pants and No shirt. He has a Santa hat on, and behind him is someone Noya never thought he'd see after he graduated. 

"Yuu?" Tanaka pauses at the end of the staircase, his mother stands with a hand on Noya's shoulder, who's sat on the spot in front of the fireplace in an attempt to warm up, "Ryuu," Noya smiles forcefully. He's glad to see his friend, but his chest hurts seeing the girl holding his hand, and his chest hurts remembering the last few hours of the night. But the weight of his mom's hand on his shoulder brings him down to earth, and Tanaka's mom speaks for him, "Son Can you go warm some tea up for Yuu?"

"Sure mom but-"

"I can do it Mrs. Tanaka" the girl smiles softly, eyeing Noya with a sympathetic gaze, Noya won't make eye contact with her, there's something weird in the atmosphere.

"Thank you Shimizu dear," Mrs Tanaka smiles thankfully, and The girl nods, pushing up her glasses as she moves around them towards the kitchen, glancing at Nishinoya once more before leaving.

"Nishinoya," Tanaka says again, "what are you- what happened to you," he's gotten over his shock at seeing his friend randomly in the middle December, and has remembered to move his feet.

"Long story," is all Noya offers, staring into the fire. He could cry so easily he thinks. But what would anyone think besides how pathetic he can be.

"Get ready to share then," Tanaka mutters.

"I'm going to go get something for your eyes honey, Get warm for me okay? Ryuu, go get some warm clothes or something for him to wear,"

"I'm fine mrs Tanaka, honest," Nishinoya tries to stop her, looking up, "don't worry about me,"

"How can I not worry, it's been months and you just- I'm sorry Yuu but you can't show up like this and not expect me to fuss over you,"

Nishinoya glances at tanaka for him to step in but he shakes his head, "I'm with her on this one man,"

And then she leaves the room and Nishinoya is left with Tanaka, who sits right next to him by the fire in silence, both not sure where to start. 

"February."

"February," Noya mumbles.

" _That's 10 fucking months_ I haven't heard from you,"

“It is."

"Not a word, not even a postcard, nothing. You just disappeared like we weren't your family, at this point I didn't even think you were still alive,"

"You thought I was dead?" Noya looks up, he's starting to get warm, but his head still aches, his body hurts and the bruises on his fists are sensitive as he tucks his hands under his lap.

"Well? You leave one day with nothing but a note and I'm supposed to assume you've made it this long on your own?"

"You're saying you didn't think I could manage?" Noya sounds hurt, but more so just numb. 

Tanaka regards his best friend with an exaggerated frown, "I'm not saying that, I'm saying you never checked up with us, Who were we to assume you didn't get trafficked into the russian mafia,"

Noya wants to smile, but its too much work and he doesn't want to waste his energy, "I guess you're right,"

"Ryuu?" The soft feminine voice Nishinoya recognizes clearly comes from the entrance of the room, Noya tenses up, eyes focused ahead into the light of the flames warming his face. 

"I have the tea," she says softly and Tanaka turns his head, eyes dilating and a small genuine smile appearing on his lips, "thank you shimizu, give it to Noya,"

Noya's frozen, He isn't sure how to comprehend this, how to comprehend any of it. 

"Nishinoya," she says his name. 

Noya slowly lifts his head and she kneels beside him, her hand that isn't holding the mug of tea moving almost instinctively towards Tanaka's, she has a sense of caring in her eyes behind her glasses that are still the same rectangle shape from high school. "Nishinoya look at me," she says and Noya meets her eyes. 

He used to like her, a lot. He'd convinced himself he was in love with her. He wasn't, he knows he wasn't because the first time he'd felt love it was with a girl who'd end up being the catalyst in his life. No, it was just a crush, but still, knowing his best friend got the girl hurt worse than he'd expected it to. He'd had what they did, at least he thought he did in the end. 

"Goodness," she says, and it almost spills over. "I'm not sure what you've gotten yourself into," she says, it's the first time he's really heard her talk to him in years, She was always the cold shouldered too cool for words Kiyoko, the manager who was simply too mature to be caught up in boys despite everyone pining after her and her beauty. Noya had known tanaka saw past her looks long before anyone, he'd gone on for so long saying that one day he'd show her how good a person he could be to her.

"But I do know that Ryuu and his family will take care of you," she smiles softly and the beauty mark she wears is still there in the same place he remembers. 

I'm happy for you tanaka, he thinks as he takes the cup of tea from his hands, he notices the way Ryuu glances towards the girl, his best friend has always had it bad. It seems that nothing has changed.

"I think I over estimated how strong I was," Noya sighs into the mug, and suddenly a blanket is draped around his shoulders. Kiyoko and Tanaka sit beside him in front of the fire, and then Mrs.Tanaka sits on the other side of him, and Nishinoya is surrounded by those who care about him. He feels horrible.

Horrible for pushing and running away from them because he didn't want to burden them, because he thought leaving would help him find his reason to be alive. All he found was love and the same love that would almost kill him in the process of learning just how tired he is of love itself. 

A pink ribbon stays tied around his wrist. Reminding him every reason to stay alive. He can be silently sentimental like that. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers, the soft music comes from the radio, turned to the Christmas station where so many classics can only be replayed so many times. 

"For worrying you guys,"

"It's okay," mrs Tanaka rubs a hand down his back in the maternal way of hers. Noya thinks about how his own mother used to do that when Noya got too hyper, it calmed him down and made him sleepy. 

His mom would sit him down in his bed, rubbing his back softly and tell him all kinds of stories, true or mythical, he didn't care. He'd just like listening to her talk. 

"I think what matters is that you're here and you're safe."

Safe is a subjective term. There's no guarantee nishinoya is safe from everything, sure maybe he's safe from the elements, safe from being homeless, but that can't mean he's safe completely. What even was considered such anyways. What made a place safe.

He thinks far too much for his own good. He feels like he has to choose every word carefully, everything he says. He misses when his words used to come with no filter because Noya didn't think he needed to hold back from being himself and speaking his mind, not pondering every little thing. And it bothers him.

God he wants to change. He's breathing, he's existing, But he isn't alive. He hasn't been since he's graduated. 

He wants to play volleyball and remember being happy and loud and fun. He wants to indulge in the things he adored before the world hit him like it did. Let him be naive again.

"Thank you," he says, "for everything."

  * ••



Nishinoya sleeps in his old bedroom. It'd originally been the guest room before Nishinoya had gone to live with the Tanaka's. Till they turned it into a sanctuary for Noya to feel a little more at home. It had posters from highschool still up, shelves of figurines and old worn and torn books that belonged to his mom, she'd loved to read and despite how much Noya hated reading because his ADHD made it entirely too difficult to focus, he had kept the books, because they reminded him of her.

Noya had been given ice for his face, he hadn't told them what happened, why he had two borderline black eyes, Or why his knuckles were bruised to shit. He's sure they could figure out that he'd gotten into a fight, But he knows they don't and won't ever know the context. 

Noya had learned that Kiyoko was in town from college for the holidays and was spending a lot of time at the Tanaka's, she and Tanaka had run into each other over the summer and hit it off, it'd been 6 months since they started dating. And now Shimizu was part of the family. 

Tanaka got the girl, He has a job at his parents restaurant, and all Noya got was emotional turmoil and the feeling of being trapped. 

_ Where'd he go wrong.  _

Noya has settled down on his stiff mattress, Supposedly Mrs Tanaka had said no one even stepped foot into his room while he was away. He was almost 20 and still depending on his friend’s family for somewhere to sleep. His suitcase covered in what was once frost, is starting to smell like mildew. He'd need to throw it out. 

But in the meantime he'll pull out the few t-shirts he had salvaged, they all have some type of lettering and quotes across the back, he likes to read them and remind himself of who he was before all of this.

He's melancholic to say the least, and he's not sure how to get himself out of this and back to the part of him that was cheering other people up, not the opposite. 

Tanaka and Kiyoko were all friends in highschool, they'd gone to some small school on the outskirts of the Miyagi prefecture. Noya had originally planned on transferring to Karasuno after chidoriyama, but he found himself at a different school he didn't quite love, whos volleyball team never made it past quarter finals in the prelims, whos students were all middle class and friendly, but even then Noya knows it's not quite the place he had belonged in. 

But he'd found tanaka and Kiyoko there, he'd found his second family. That was one win at least. 

There's a knock on the door and Noya jumps, dropping one of his shirts on the floor. He expects it to be Ryuu, come to finally interrogate him after giving him space. That's was Noya had needed, A moment to calm down and clean himself up, but Noya had had his space for months, if anything maybe he wanted to surround himself with his family again. Listen to Ryuu tell stupid stories, or his mom talk about her new recipes.

"Nishinoya it's me," 

There her voice was again. He's not sure what's changed in the former manager, why she seems interested in talking to him at all, he hasn't seen her since she graduated a year before him and Tanaka, Ryuu had said they were keeping in touch, more so he was because he was too persistent to let her go, and it seems it worked. 

"Come in,"

She's wearing matching grinch pajama pants that Tanaka was, except she wears a dark blue hoodie with it and her hair is tied back. She looks the same as she did back then. Maybe more mature than she already was. 

"Hey," she smiles.

Noya isn't sure how to respond. "Kiyoko, so you and Tanaka now?"

She smiles bashfully, it's a different look on her. She seems to hesitantly sit on the edge of the bed, a lot of space between her and him. There's an awkward edge to the tension. 

"Yeah I suppose,"

"How'd he pull it off?" Noya tries for a smile, it comes a little easier, remembering Ryuus pursuits towards her. 

"Ide always loved him, I just never said anything because I wanted him to focus on volleyball and his school work,"

"Ryuu focusing on school work?" Noya laughs but it comes out dry. "You were the only girl he ever talked about you know,"

She tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear, "I know that now...he was worried for you ya know, still is,"

Noya looks up, meeting her eyes, "I'm fine, honest,"

"He said I should try to talk to you, apparently I can be comforting, as if he's not the better one for the job,"

"So I'm a job to be taken care of," Noya doesn't mean to sound bitter. Why is he being like this? 

"Nishinoya I don't mean it like that, I just don't know what I can do besides listen, I mean we haven't talked since highschool,"

"You didn't talk much when we were in highschool Kiyoko,"

She exhales softly, a little wheeze escapes her, it's cute. "And yet you did all the talking anyways, but now- What happened to you, We're all worried, I may not have felt the way for you that I do for Ryuu but I still care about you," 

"I don't know if you're being serious or messing with me," Noya mumbles, he's been mocked enough by every girl he's come across, he doesn't need to be slapped in the face even metaphorically by his highschool crush turned best friend's girlfriend. 

"Of course I'm being serious since when have I ever made a joke,"

Noya stares at her, old feelings he had have disappeared along with his tendency to romanticize love in itself, and in front of him is just Kiyoko, a girl who his best friend has been in love with forever, just a girl who's telling him she cares. He's heard that once a few times before.

"I met someone," Noya finally gives in. 

"Oh," she blinks, "yeah ?"

"Yeah, I met someone and she convinced me to go with her, and well, here I am with two black eyes and a bruised ego 10 months later, That's all there is to know," 

"Sounds like you've got yourself into some trouble," she leans forward to rest her chin on her hand, her elbow sat on her knee. 

"I guess, Wouldn't be the first time,"

"How are you feeling about it?"

The questions and more questions, Noya should answer honestly, but he's tired and he wants to go to bed. "I'm better now that I'm home."

"That's good, I know relationships are a tricky thing, there's nothing more frustratingly complicated than love,"

Noya has come to hate that word. "I don't think- You May be right, but even then sometimes you can love someone and they still fuck you over,"

Kiyoko fixates him with a concerned look , Noya just looks ahead, shoulders slumped, she's probably never seen him so defeated. That's how Noya really feels. Defeated, melancholic, outlasted by his own actions and emotions. How did his nature turn into something like this?

People change and can change others, for the worst or for the better. 

"You sound a little hopeless towards love, if you ask me," she hums, "what happened that bad?"

Noya thinks back to the endless night's of arguing, of making up with intimacy he didn't feel meant anything anymore, of feeling isolated somewhere he was supposed to feel safe. Of feeling like he's losing his strength.

"I've just had a lot of bad luck," 

"Well you're not a black cat, or...a crow, so it's not permanent"

"Feels permanent, I just need something to go my way for once, I just want someone- No I just want to be happy with who I am and feel like-" Noya realizes he's about to spill all his feelings onto his best friends girlfriend and former crush, And he rethinks his decision and closes his mouth. 

"It's just- never mind, you're right, but I'll be fine. I came home and The Tanaka's have been kind enough to forgive me for leaving them like I did,"

"Tanaka has said it's because you wanted to be free."

Noya startles at that, and thinks how painful it is that that's what he wanted, he didn't want to feel weak and dependent, he wanted to be strong and able to do whatever his heart wants without dragging others down.

"Look I'm pretty tired," Noya says after a moment of silence, he's spent too much time tonight moping in turmoil and being pretentious in his own head, his highschool self would totally make fun of him if he saw him now, or Maybe he'd have enough bluntness to tell Noya to get off his ass and get over himself.

But then again, he held an ice pack against his face and his head hurt and he just wanted a warm bed. 

"Oh Right," Kiyoko stands, adjusting the glasses on the bridge of her nose, "Uhm, I know it's been a long time, and you might have changed- but talk to Ryuu for me, when you're ready of course, I just hate to see him so strung out,"

Noya nods, watching as she turns to leave, turning just slightly before walking out to give Noya a kind smile. He's not sure where the silent unbothered Kiyoko went, Of course he'd always known she cared deep down, they'd been friends after all, spent a lot of time together during volleyball season, but seeing this side of her was different.

Noya lied. Or maybe he didn't. He was tired, yes, but his body had been conditioned into staying up through the long nights, it used to be his only time with himself. 

But now he could go to sleep, and he would wake up and still be with himself and only himself, and maybe this time a family he regretted running from.

It still doesn't stop him from lying awake in his old bed. 

His phone is cracked when he pulls it out of his suitcase. He hadn't touched it since earlier that day, when it wasn't almost shattered. He could see roughly on the screen, A million messages, not one of them worth anything, all from her and that man who he wishes he could blame ruined his life.

His life wasn't ruined though he thinks, it'd be ruined if he didn't have the Tanaka's to love him. He's thankful, he feels awful but thankful. They put up with so much. 

He turns his phone off and lays in the dark, he's warm for the first time in months.

  * ••



When Nishinoya wakes up, he expects to be face to face with her.

But the suns seeping in through the window on the far side of the room, and it's the first time in forever the sun doesn't shine on blonde hair and smeared mascara, or smudged red lips and breath that smells like smoke.

A beam of golden sunlight slices through the room and lands on the gray pillow beside Noya. He can see the dust particles floating in the air, and it makes him feel hollow in a good way, he's realized just how calming it is to wake up alone. That dreaded feeling he used to have waking up doesn't come in the same way it used to when she'd wake up and her glazed eyes still tinted red from the night before would scrutinize him. 

Instead he comes to terms with the fact that he's here in the Tanaka's, and while dread comes in the shape of having to face them, He accepts it with grace. 

He pulls himself out of bed with achy bones and a headache ignited with every touch of his face. His nose feels swollen, And when he appears in front of his room's bathroom mirror he winces, seeing the yellowing color around the already bruised purple and blue skin. He'd been hit in the nose, it's a miracle it wasn't broken, but then getting socked in the eye wasn't much of a one up either. He was foolish for picking a fight he couldn't win. But Noya never gave up easily, He never backed down and he never let anyone act like they were bigger than him.

He touches the skin gently, wincing when the pressure hurts, and decides he'll just have to ice it some more. He still has to find an excuse as to where it's from, but he can't be concerned just yet. 

Noya steps into the shower and it's then when he's under the hot running water that he sighs in complete and utter relief. his chest is hollow but full, like a bittersweet moment with a loved one. But when the moment of small content passes he feels uneasy in his own skin. Because he can smell her, feel her, And just her entire existence feels like it's dirtying his own and he scrubs at himself.

Vigorously, Harshly, he rubs away with soap and a rag and body wash and even after he's washed every part of himself, he goes over once again, and his shower time slowly ticks forward as he obsessively washes his body. Desperately, hopelessly, trying to get the smell of her off him, trying to scrub the touch of her from his skin.

And when his body is pink and he's made his arm bleed, he steps out, patches up the scrape, and dresses in one of his t-shirts. 

He can't be bothered to style his hair. It wouldn't fit the person he's become. 

"Again with the pretentious malevolence," Noya mumbles as he stares at himself, "fucking get over yourself" 

He pauses, watching the way one of his hairs curl up at the end, "fucking get over her."

  * ••



Nishinoya finds a familiar piece of notebook paper taped to his door when he opens it. 

He recognizes it instantly, small hands reach to grab it. He knows Tanaka did this, probably to kick him in the ass. Nishinoya understands more than anyone that Tanaka is not only hurt but pissed at him for leaving, despite not showing it.

_ “Hey guys-  _

_ When you read this I'm probably already out of the prefecture, don't worry tho cuz I'm staying in Japan ofc, I'll be around Tokyo, Maybe head towards Hokkaido, it just depends on where Felicity wants to go. You see I know you never really loved her for me, You said she wasn't the one, but I think she is and my heart and her are telling me I need to get out on my own. I want to be alive instead of just living. I want to be with her and be my own person and have my own life. I have depended on you for so long, And I can't take advantage anymore- and anyways I've wanted to see more parts of japan, I want to be free with Her. I'm sorry I'm not saying goodbye in person, I thought it'd be easier this way. I'm not sure if she'll let me keep in touch, she's super into this whole on our own just the two of us thing, She thinks maybe we could move to Europe or America, I'm not sure though. Until I see you all again, thank you.  _

_ -Noya  _

Noya rips the page in half, naivety never has a good look at him. Being naive in academics is one thing, but in the common conception of red flags and leaving behind the only people to ever care for you is another.

How stupid of him. He feels an undeniable shame and guilt that will probably never leave his side as long as he lives. He'd done it to himself. He'd stayed and gone with her and now he was back with this feeling of why the fuck can't he just undo everything he's done.

He wants to be himself again.

"Fucking Ryuu," Noya curses, crumbling the remaining two pieces of the note he'd left all those months ago, and throwing it into the toilet, flushing it so it disappears and Noya can try to pretend that version of him never existed. The love blind kid who thought having a loving family meant he was taking advantage of them. 

He can't blame his best friend for being mad.

After getting rid of the paper he finally goes downstairs, it's early in the morning, despite noyas old tendencies to stay up late he also had been conditioned Into waking up early. 

He finds Mrs. Tanaka in the kitchen at the stove, moving with the music from the old radio, where old American songs are playing. Noya's eyes instantly pan to Kiyoko, who sits at the dining table with a coffee mug and her phone, sipping idly with her ankles crossed and glasses on the edge of her nose as she looks down at her screen.

Kiyoko is also the first one to notice Noya.

She pushes her glasses up, "good morning Nishinoya,"

Noya hesitates in the opening of the kitchen, before Tanaka's mother turns, giving him a welcoming smile. "Yuu dear, good to see you awake- goodness your poor face," she touches her mouth, "let me get you some more ice or something to help the swelling," Noya goes to refuse but she's already moving towards the freezer.

"morning, is Ryuu up?"

Kiyoko shakes her head, setting her coffee down, "of course not, he still will always sleep in,"

"Unless it's Christmas," his mom sighs as she wraps a paper towel around a frozen bag of peas, "here dear,"

She hands it to Noya who feels obligated to accept even if he has an impending feeling of guilt in his stomach that comes with seeing Mrs Tanaka's face. 

"Thank you Mrs. Tanaka,"

"Course, now go ahead and sit! I'm making breakfast,"

Noya pulls at the chair across from Kiyoko, Watching quietly as his mom moves to continue cooking. She didn't usually, in fact Tanaka was the one who used to cook breakfast for the house when Saeko and His father were still around. His father had passed away a couple years back, and Saeko from what Noya knew was still in college. It reminds him.

"Is Saeko coming back for Christmas," Noya says quietly.

His mom looks up, "she is, she had to stay a little later for some make up exams, but her trains supposed to come in within the next few days actually,"

"I'm glad I'll get to see her," Noya upholds a soft smile, when Mrs Tanaka says, "she may have a few words for you though dear, in forewarning,"

"Of course," Noya nods already ready for the chewing out he's going to get. 

"Didn't you want to go to college Noya? What happened to that?" Kiyoko starts for small talk and Noya despises small talk, he can't keep it going for anything, usually he just talks about anything and it makes him easily become friends with everyone, but it's so incredibly awkward in his presence at the moment that he blinks stupidly and tries to form words.

"College life wasn't for me." He simply states. "But I'm sure you're doing well,"

"Almost have my associates in sports medicine," she grins lifting her mug to her lips, "Ryuu wants to open a sports shop while he gets a job as a physical trainer," 

"He's told me about that yeah, but the sports shop is new,"

"Yeah, he thinks running a business would be good stability, can't believe he's thinking about the future," Kiyoko shrugs.

Mrs.Tanaka laughs from her place at the stove, "you know my son has his moments, but he has some maturity in him...sometimes,"

"Yeah, I mean he does want to make the mascot of his theoretical store a duck in a volleyball uniform," Kiyoko says and Noya finally finds a laugh within himself that's genuine. He's missed his friend, he's missed Mrs.Tanaka. He's missed ryuu.

"That's such a good idea, I can't believe you're mocking it," Noya says, "it's pure genius"

Kiyoko and Mrs Tanaka share a look that says, "yeah still the same,"

  * ••



There's a lot that still needs to be discussed. Noya knows this, Mrs. Tanaka knows this, And Ryuu knows this. 

But Noya finds himself still distant even if he's in the same house.

Tanaka finds Nishinoya outside in the garden when he finally decides tiptoeing around the boy is enough. Tanaka and Noya have always been blunt with each other, their each other's biggest supporters, partners in crime, they've always held each other accountable and call themselves out on bs, they were best friends, brothers, and yet it seems to Ryuu than Noya forgot all of this because of a girl who stole his heart and twisted it around until the same boy Tanaka had known for years and years had become the burnt out version of himself. 

"Nishinoya," he lets Noya know he's there, walking out in the backyard garden where a flower bed blooms around this little Buddha fountain by the fence, it's something Mrs Tanaka always loved doing, gardening, caring for flowers. Her favorites were roses. 

There is a single tree in the yard that shadows the fountain, and from it hangs a long bench suspended by ropes. It's a homemade wooden swing Tanaka's father had made before he passed; it had been long ago when Tanaka was still a little boy. Noya had fallen off it so many times, scraped his knee against the little concrete deck where a grill, a fire pit, and chairs sat. The grill hasn't been touched in years since Tanaka's father had gone.

"Oh, hey Ryuu," 

Tanaka still has a hard time looking at his friend with bruised eyes. It's cold outside, December calls for dead plants and a waterless buddha fountain, but Noya still crouches and watches the dead plants lay in the thin layer of snow, his head covered with a beanie like Tanaka's, Hands shoved deep in his coat pockets. 

"What are you doing out here? It's cold,"

"I'm just thinking," he stares quietly at the empty flower bed, Weeds frosted over, dead flowers shriveled up and covered in a layer of white. The sky's a dreary gray like it has been for the last week. December may be the month of Christmas and the snow is always beautiful when Christmas lights go with it, but on days like this Tanaka just wishes the sun would come out.

"You can think inside where it's warm,"

Noya doesn't respond and Tanaka starts to get impatient, stuffing his hands in his jacket, "look, we need to talk okay, I know we're trying this whole, don't speak about it until you're ready but I'm get pretty damn antsy for answers," 

Noya stirs, eyes still fixated on the ground, before he stands, breaking out of his dissociative state, and finally meeting his friend's eye, "okay."

Tanaka blinks, "huh?"

"I'll tell you anything you want to know." 

"Really?" 

Noya nods, it has to come sooner or later. He has to own up to his shame now and not later because later doesn't make things better despite how much Noya used to live by that. 

He used to think that whatever happened happened for a reason, and then he realized if what happened to him had a reason it was because he was foolish. 

He needed to be more perceptive, more aware and less loud and obnoxious, he needed to have a reason for someone to love him and less reasons as to why they shouldn't.

His mind is jumbled, but he owes at least this much to Tanaka.

"Okay then- Then where did those bruises come from." Tanaka starts first and they stand five feet apart in the cold air, outside against a gray backdrop of a sky. 

Noya's breath is warm and crystallizes in the air as he speaks in a calm quiet tone, "I got in a fight."

"With who? Who did that?" Tanaka brings in question after question.

"The man Felicity was cheating on me with." He says in a voice that tries not to waver. He didn't want to say it but it had to come out, the sentence felt sour on his tongue. 

"The-wait- Felicity- she- that fucking-," Tanaka is too visibly frustrated to form a coherent sentence that isn't curse words, and while Noyas flattered he cares, he's frustrated, he wants to tell him not to care, because had Noya been better, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. 

"What's his name?"

"Not important," Noya states simply.

Tanaka's fists ball up in his jacket pockets, "okay. Why'd you leave."

"I think I made that clear in the note you taped on my door this morning," in this Noya's voice comes across cold, sharp, and Tanaka detects it immediately.

Tanaka eyes him warily, "I want to hear it from you."

Noya takes a breath and agitation bubbles in his chest, he blames himself, it's a bad habit of his, but he blames himself for what happened and he can't tell tanaka how he failed. 

But it comes up anyways, like word vomit, "I let a girl come between me and everyone that cared about me without listening to you about who she was. You saw her colors before I did. I didn't listen."

"You still don't deserve how she treated you,"

Tanaka didn't know half of it. "I did because I wasn't good enough for her, But I'm away now, I'm moving on," her smell, her hands still ghostly stick to his skin despite how Noya's tried to wash it off and left himself raw. 

"Nishinoya I don't know what went down but I know as hell you were good enough."

"You don't know anything," Noya snaps and he feels instantly regretful. He can’t even be a good best friend anymore. Tanaka just wants his best.

"Fine, if I don't know anything then how do I know that when you love someone you do anything for them? That you are in love with the idea of love and the moment you mess up you blame every little thing on yourself, just like you did in volleyball."

Noya regarded him quietly, "I don't-" he goes silent. The cold bites at his face, Noya should go inside, Maybe he'd be less irritable if he were warm. But he'd rather crouch and continue lamenting over dead flowers than face the people he ran from.

Get over yourself. 

"I'm going in, Look I don't know what's happened to you but whenever you're ready to talk about it, Me and my mom are always here, at least I am until winter breaks over," Tanaka turns on his heel, heading back inside putting an end to the weird tension between them. 

Noya watches him leave, and wonders if coming back was really the best thing to do for the Tanaka family. 

  * ••



When the sky turns an inky blue instead of a light grey, and the sun sets behind the clouds that look ready to let loose a field of snow, Noya is sent off to run errands. It's the evening in miyagi and Nishinoya is wide awake, cold and antsy. 

Mrs. Tanaka had the night shift at the nursing home, where she cared for the unit of elderly with Alzheimer's, including her mother, Ryuu's grandmother. She's had this job for ages, Noya's known and even gone with her on day shifts to meet them, They always welcome young faces and are just happy to listen and talk. Noya and Tanaka had even brought a few seniors to their volleyball game one year so they could get out of the nursing home. Wheeled in on their wheelchairs, they cheered their hearts out.

It was little moments like that that made Nishinoya wish he'd continued playing volleyball. In fact, volleyball had brought him so much life, something to be passionate about that couldn't hurt him like a person could. Volleyball couldn't leave him, but even then he's the one who left volleyball. 

Nishinoya kicks at the rocks on the sidewalk path, a small piece of gravel skitters across the lined pavement and onto the trimmed and well taken care of grass and stops short of a fresh mound of dirt, a head stone freshly engraved lay at the head of it. 

Noya's hands stay deep in his hoodie pockets- in fact it's Tanaka's hoodie, an old worn one with their old high schools named monogrammed across the front in an obnoxious orange font. It's cold, and yet Noya is still outside, wandering around and detouring on his one job to run a few errands for mrs. Tanaka. She'd been trusting enough for him not to run off and to come back, and Noya wasn't going to make her scared again like he had. 

It's still light out, and Noya isn't sure it's necessarily safe to stay out late in a cemetery, So he makes his visit quick, or he had wanted to at least. 

His shoes are worn and his socks are too thin to keep his feet warm, and they drag against the ground as he approaches the Marbled headstone worn down from the elements for the past two years, It's been a while since he's passed, and Tanaka hasn't come to visit once, No one really visits the old man's grave besides Noya, it's too hard on the Tanaka's really. Saeko makes it a point to come and clean it up however, she was closer to her father than Ryuu, she refused to let the grass over grow, and the weeds cover her father's name. 

Mr. Tanaka had developed a case of leukemia he had neglected to acknowledge for too long until it was too late. Noya remembers where he was when he got the news, Tanaka had been flirting with some girl in the restaurant they'd stopped at for lunch when Noya had picked up Tanaka's phone for him. And then from there, Tanaka's spirit changed until he found it again after grieving. Noya isn't grieving and yet he can't seem to find his own again at all. 

"Hey old man," Noya sighs crouching in front of the grave on the sidewalk, the cemetery he's buried at is well kept by an old Chinese woman with a kind heart. Noya has ran into her a few times every now and then, he always makes sure to thank her. 

"I know you'd beat my ass if you were still around, for leaving Ryuu and his mom like that, but hey, they're doing good ya know, Ryuu has a nice girl, they seemed to be fine without me," Noya hates talking to graves because he feels foolish, but he knows talking to the name in stone is easier than talking to the sky. Or maybe both are equally strange, but who's he to care. 

"I'm sorry, I guess. I'm trying to make it right, I'm sort of stuck, I don't know what to do with myself, I don't feel like I deserve to move on," 

The image of blonde hair suffocates him and he feels foggy when he says it, maybe because he's finally admitting why he's at a stand still. 

"I guess I just have to exist until I figure it out," he stands, He doesn't want to spend too much time talking to no one, who even knows if mr. Tanaka can hear him. He used to think he couldn, he used to think his mom could too when he used to visit her. He'd stopped though, She was buried at a different cemetery in the town over, Noya had requested it so he didn't have to pass the resting place of his mother every day. He feels guilty for never visiting but he just doesn't have it in him. Maybe it's shame or cowardice, but at some point he stopped acknowledging it and became numb. 

Noya's turning to leave in the opposite direction of where he came, deciding on taking the rest of the winding paths through the cemetery, where trees rest along some rows, and wildflowers are left to grow around in an attempt to brighten up a field filled with dead people. 

Noya's eyeing words and dates of birth, dates of death and the words beloved fiancé, Beloved wife, Beloved son, of different graves as he wanders, trying to find something to focus on, he’s become accustomed to the climate and his cheeks stay cold but he isn't phased anymore. 

Noya hesitates when he finds another person in the cemetery. He usually wouldn't spare a glance, if this person hadn't been passed out. 

It's a man, Noya suspects he'd be tall standing, he looks older than Nishinoya but not by much, and he's laying next to a grave on a large blanket, curled up on his side with his eyes closed and a thin hoodie on, he's wearing sweatpants too, his head resting on his arms. 

Noya pauses in front of him, footsteps faltering as he stares. The man has long hair, it's tied back and Noya had thought for a moment he'd been a girl, but the stubble on the chin had debunked the theory. 

What Noya was mostly paying attention to however was the fact that this man was dead asleep in the middle of a cemetery on a December evening. "Uhm-" Noya starts, not sure if he should continue on and mind his business, or if he should be concerned and wake the man. 

"Sir- Dude- uh, buddy?" Noya takes a hesitant step, and when the man doesn't stir, Noya has to stop and ponder whether the guy is actually alive. 

A step closer and Noya steps onto the large blanket the man is using as a pallet, he sees the man's chest moving up and down and his panic eases for a second, "hey man?" Noya crouches, not sure if this is safe at all, what if this is an undercover murderer hiding out in a cemetery, what if it's a mafia boss in hiding, what if he's a homeless drug dealer who decided to crash in a cemetery, not a lot of people come here anyways. 

"Dude-" Noya reaches out and pokes the guy's calf, then his shoulder, before Noya decides to say to hell with it and shakes the guy awake. 

Noya isn't sure what he expected, maybe a crazy guy, maybe someone who needed to be taken to the hospital for hypothermia, maybe someone who needed the cops called on him.

The man jumps when he's woken up, Jerking back and away from the crouched and wide eyed Noya. "Uh hi," Noya says blatantly. 

The man looks at him like he's a hallucination, "I- uhm- hi?" 

Noya blinks, the man blinks back. "Did I fall asleep again?" He finally says.

Noya furrows his eyebrows, standing up and looking down at the stranger, "again?"

"Yeah,"

"Yeah?"

The man sighs, pinching his nose, "are you just gonna repeat what I say or-"

Noya tilts his head, intrigued, confused and a little concerned. This man has him curious, and a little nervous, though he can't tell why. Maybe it's because he's a stranger. 

"No no- I was just, I wanted to know if you were okay, or uh- ya know dead or something," Noya shrugs. 

The stranger stares up at him, "you thought I was dead?"

"I don't know! You were just like, asleep, in the middle of winter, in a literal cemetery, in the cold! What was I supposed to do? Leave you there and not make sure you're not homeless? Or a criminal?"

"A criminal?" The guy says incredulously, "do I look like a criminal to you?"

Noya nods, "yeah a little"

The man pales more than he already was from the cold, and moves to stand, and when he gets to his full height does Noya take a nervous step back, the man is tall, pushing over 6 foot at least. He was built, Noya could even tell through the layers, Strong chest, Noya swallows. 

"Well- uhm- I, Thanks I think, for checking on me?"

"Yeah, no, uh no problem dude,"

The man turns to look at the grave he was next to and Noya sees something shift in the man's hardened features, suddenly they're soft, And the way Noya is perceiving this man becomes so jumbled he doesn't even know what impression he's had on Noya himself. 

Who is he? What on earth was he doing and why is Noya so curious. 

"Why're you sleeping out here?" Noya asks not sure if he's overstepping, they are complete strangers after all. 

The man turns to look at Noya, who seems to take in his face for the first time. Noya shifts, like he’s uncomfortable under his gaze. "I didn't mean to sleep actually, I came to visit my sister," 

His sister, oh.

"It's so cold though, aren't you cold?"

"Course I'm cold but it doesn't matter," the man leaned down to start folding up the blanket he'd been laying on, "I just come and sit here sometimes, Sometimes I lose track of time or get tired, I don't know," 

"Oh,"

The man grabs his blanket up, holding it to his chest, he's so tall and broad and Noya realizes the word he's looking for his handsome, And yet something about the man's intimidating look lessens when he holds the blanket closer to his chest like a schoolgirl with her books, And when he's speaking about the fact that he comes to visit one of his loved ones. 

"Why're you here then," the man speaks hesitantly, like he's also afraid of overstepping the boundaries of strangers.

"A Friend." Noya simply says. 

"Oh, Sorry."

"Yeah, sorry about your sister."

"It's fine, It was a while ago."

"Yeah same."

"I guess I should go, thanks for uhm checking on me I guess," the man says awkwardly, and turns to leave before Noya can reply, Noya watches him go, calling out, "yeah No problem!" And feeling a weird sense of a foreordained meeting with the stranger, but conflicted by the fact that Noya's sure he may never see the guy again. 

He didn't even get his name after all. 

Noya turns his head, moving to look at the grave stone, Amelia Azumane 2000- 2018 is written in cursive letters. 

"Azumane," Noya says out loud, 

his name was Azumane.


End file.
